CALLING ALL HOTTIES

Spielberg, Scorsese, Ratner... Know why these giants of the silver screen got into the movies? The casting couch. What other job has attractive women fighting for a chance to spend time alone in a room with you?*

The good news is you don't actually have to produce a major Hollywood film in order to cram your Davenport full of boobs. You can hold an audition for just about anything: a community theater production of "Spaceballs," a commercial for your Ebay business specializing in Darryl Strawberry collectible figurines, your awkward family photo...

Q: Do I have to make whatever I held auditions for?

A: Of course not! If someone asks what happened to the epic shot-for-shot remake of "Ben Hur" that they had to audition for in a wet T-shirt you can just deploy the old Hollywood standby: "The funding fell through." That's the beauty of lying.

To get going you'll need to get the word out with something called a "casting notice." Here's the one I used recently for my company's corporate video.

Casting Notice for "GNB Cares"

Major industrial production directed by Barney Stinson, acclaimed avant-garde auteur of the living theater experiment, "The Stinsons."

Role: Pamela. Goliath National Bank employee. Probably some sort of secretary or whatever it is ladies do in an office.

Seeking: Hotties 18-29. (Please bring three forms of documentation to verify age. Seriously, if you're over thirty, I will find out.)

Wardrobe has already been selected for this role so actress will need measurements of 34-24-25. (Will accept up to 36 in the bust.)

Skills: Being hot, quick change artist, Thai massage, not allergic to rubber

Please send one head shot, one full length shot (preferably in swimsuit or lingerie), and a shot of you reaching for something. Actually, forget about the head shot.

Audition Sides:

INT. GNB OFFICE - DAY

Pamela enters the office. Her boss,

Mr. Stinson, works feverishly at his desk.

PAMELA

Gee, Mr. Stinson, you sure do look tense.

MR. STINSON

It's just these gosh-darn contracts.

Pamela walks over to Mr. Stinson and starts massaging his shoulders.

PAMELA

Here, let me help loosen you up.

MR. STINSON

That's great. Can I return the favor?

Pamela turns to camera.

PAMELA

GNB cares about each other.

FADE TO BLACK.

* Other than "awesome blogger" of course

NO PORN? NO PROB!

It has come to my attention that many bros are suffering from a very serious medical condition: Pornemia - the inadequate consumption of porn.

The causes can be manifold:

• Can't afford spicier cable channels

• Workday disrupting internal porn clock

• Marriage

Fortunately this erection-crippling disease is treatable.

All around you are literally thousands of low-cost, publicly acceptable porn-portunities... you just have to know where to look.

YOUR LOCAL WEATHER GIRL

The only member of the news team who gets a full body shot. As she sashays across your screen spouting stories of rising temperatures and storm surges, you sit wide-eyed and slack-hawed amid a high-pressure front of your own.

COOKING SHOWS

Watching a foxy lady-chef take those slow, smooth, sensual bites is enough to make any man accidentally slice off his thumb.

BIRTHDAY PARTY "BOUNCE HOUSE"

While technically you're renting the inflatable trampoline for little Dylan and his friends, you're not gonna be the one to stop Jimmy's mom in her too-tight t-shirt from taking a little bounce... or two.

CLASSICAL SCULPTURY

Our ancestors' Hustler. As girls shroud themselves in wintry layers why not pay a visit to a place where the ladies are willing to take it all off? I'm talking - of course - about the museum. Shuffling from standing nude to reclining odalisque is a fantastic way to enjoy your porn whilst being perceived as the cultured specimen you most certainly are not.

THE NIGHT SKY

Sure there's the classics: The Big Dipper, Orion's Belt and Ursa Major. But play a little game of connect the dots and you'll find a surplus of interstellar boobies shining down on you every night. Camping by yourself just got awesome... not to mention easier, pitching-a-tent-wise.

BARNEY STINSON: A LIFE OF AWESOME

November 08, 2010 

What if you could travel back in time to witness the birth of awesomeness? This winter, you can, when The National Stinsonian Institution presents its newest and grandest traveling exhibition, "Barney Stinson: A Life of Awesome." Trace the roots of awesome, beginning with Barney's very first soiled diaper and ending with a mini-fridge full of frozen sperm.

Highlights of the collection will include:

Necktie (circa 1984, courtesy Barney Stinson)

Barney's first tie, a deep burgundy Versace pure twill silk featuring the signature Medusa head print in a subtle tone-on-tone pattern, was first worn to his aunt's wedding in the parking lot of Steiny's Pub in Staten Island. A pea-sized YooHoo stain would eventually lead to the tie's removal from rotation.

Napkin (circa 6th grade, courtesy Barney Stinson)

A crumpled, pizza-stained napkin from Chuck E. Cheese's that contains Barney's very first attempt at a pick-up line. While the entirety of the line has been lost to time, still visible are the first two words scribbled in barely legible purple crayon: "Nice jellies…" Barney's first kiss is rumored to have happened four minutes later in the arcade behind Tehkan World Cup so, yeah… it worked.

Film Script (circa 1988, courtesy Loretta Stinson)

This shooting draft of "The Karate Kid" was autographed by director John G. Avildsen and star William Zabka and comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Loretta Stinson, the Postmaster General and sadly once again, William Zabka.

Condom Wrapper (mid to late 1990's, on loan from Rhonda French)

This cyan-colored plastic wrapper was part of Trojan's Magnum XL line of condoms. In various interviews Barney has described it as "a bit snug." Because his penis is enormous.

Phaser Pack (circa 2005, gift of Barney Stinson)

Laser tag vest worn by Barney during the Atlantic Region Sectional Finals when he became the first invisibility match champion over the age of 20.

Exhibition Specifications

Tour Locations: Winter 2010 (Europe), Spring 2011 (Panama City Beach, South Padre Island, Lake Havasu City)

Footprint: 14,000 square feet

Security: Crazy Tight

Contents: 83 framed color and black-and-white photographs, 69 hours of bedroom security camera footage, miscellaneous artifacts to awesomeness

Recommended ticket price: $15, or $5 with donation of shirt (ladies only)

BLITZ

Recently I was accused of being "The Blitz" - a cursed creature doomed to leave a gathering right before things get awesome. Of course since the second I leave a gathering, so does awesome, it's impossible for me to ever be The Blitz, Ted.

The whole traumatic ordeal got me thinking about famous Blitzes throughout history. Here are some of my all-time favorite Blitzes...

Uffgo	8000 B.C.	Skips out on buddy's twig-rubbing experiment to hit himself in the head with rocks.
Alexander Eder	1492	Original captain of the Santa Maria. Rather than voyage across the Atlantic, turns the keys over to his first mate Christopher Columbus and jumps ship in Spain so he can fabric shop.
Dan and Rick	1800	Turned down President Jefferson's request to lead an expedition through the untamed West because they didn't want to miss their fantasy "hoop rolling" draft.
Lloyd Peachpit	1815	Shot down his best friend Johnny Appleseed's idea of a road trip to plant their respective fruits on account of wagon sickness.
Otis Wright	1903	Bailed on brothers Wilbur and Orville's first flight to get a head start on the day's potato peeling.
Private Turner	1945	Passed on helping his buddies plant the flag on Iwo Jima to "squeeze in a little nappy nap."
Tim Butler	1953	Hugh Hefner invites him over to spitball magazine ideas but he's busy affixing streamers to his bicycle's handlebars.
Gary Armstrong	1969	Bored with the news coverage, Gary changes channels to watch Hollywood Squares and misses his cousin landing on the moon.
Carl MacLaren	1974	Turns down neighbor Eddie Van Halen's offer to play bass for his fledgling band in order to "get his pong on" at the Laundromat.
Ted Mosby	2010	"Calls it early" and misses all kinds of great stuff like a skateboarding dog, Tom Petty, and generally being awesome. Classic Mosby.

HOW TO BE AWESOME" – Chapter 83: The Mermaid Theory

SUMMARY: In conclusion, The Mermaid Theory proves that a chick's hotness - as measured in units of how much you want to bone her - increases in direct proportion to the time exposed to her. (SEE ATTACHED FIGURE) The theory draws its uniquely and incredibly creative nomenclature from the olden days, before airplanes made boats obsolete... not only as a mode of transportation but also as the preferred vehicle to have sex on. Sailors and explorers on particularly long voyages found that manatees - those large blubbery water creatures - would magically morph into beautiful mermaids that said sailors wanted to knock flippers with. Thus, the legend of mermaids was born, straight out of the male mind's unfaltering desire to find something, anything, to stick it to. For the modern male the theory translates as follows:No matter how hot or unhot a woman is, eventually you will want to sleep with her. The time it takes for this process to occur is the chick's "Mermaid Clock." It starts the first time you lay eyes on a chick* and stops ticking the instant you want to get your jam on. ___________________________________ *probably her boobs, though dropping something on the floor to check out her butt is perfectly acceptable. If the latter, I recommend your cell phone because then you can snap a photo while you're down there – it's called "multitasking."		As an example, if you met Scarlett Johansson, her Mermaid Clock would be .00000001 seconds. She's hot and you would immediately want to inspect those two grapefruits she's strutting around with. Conversely, if you met a less attractive woman, her clock could last anywhere between a couple of hours (e.g. she's nearing 30) to a couple of years (e.g. she's nearing 35). Chapter Review Questions: 1. Think of the ugliest girl you ever wanted to bone (when alcohol wasn't prominently involved). How long was her mermaid clock? 2. Can a woman be a mermaid to me but a manatee to all my bros? 3. Where does pregnancy fit in to the Mermaid Theory? Before answering, remember: breast feeding.

BARNEY'S FAVORITE THINGS

Barney here. As you all know, I'm a big ol' giver. I like to get in there and just give hard. So this week, partly inspired by the holidays but mostly inspired by my massive bonus check, I decided to elevate my giving to a new level of awesome.

You may have heard about an anonymous donor anonymously showering the patrons of MacLaren's Pub with hundreds of anonymous gifts. Well, that awesome anonymous donor was me. Shhh... don't tell anyone.

Here's a list of what I gave:

Pez dispensers

Velour tracksuits

Lap dances at the Lusty Leopard

Barney Stinson novelty condoms (extra thin, for his pleasure)

Remote controlled dinosaurs

Silk neckties (water resistant up to 100 meters)

Hypercolor t-shirts

Digital barbeque tongs

Zune mp3 players (Cobra Kai limited edition)

Whoopie cushions

Autographed copies of "The Playbook" (available wherever books are sold, seriously)

Snap bracelets

Hoverboards (they don't work on water, you bojos)

Gorgonzola cheese wedges

"I Love NY" mousepads

AM/FM alarm clocks (with built-in high-definition cameras)

Bootleg copies of "Space Teens" (with deleted, unrated scenes)

Gift certificates to Emilio's Tailor Shop

Actual working light sabers

Segways

Hugh Hefner life-size cutouts

Mini-trampolines (ladies only)

Armani pocket squares

Box of hair products (stolen from Ted's bathroom)

In addition to my generosity at the bar, I'll be donating to the following charities:

Feed the Cute Children

Doctors Without Pants

ACLBoobs

Defenders of Nightlife

NPR (National Pubic Radio)

The Red Polka-Dot Cross

Designer Shoes for the Homeless

Society for the Immediate Banishment of Brassieres

Athletic Police League

Save the Puppies

American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Blondes

The Rockettes

International Organization for the Enhancement of Mammary Glands

St. Nude's Research Hospital

NRDC (Naughty Resource Defense Council)

Oxfam Acapulco

PARTNER UP

Due to a lack of awesomeness on the part of my best friends, I find myself without a laser tag partner for the most elite doubles laser tag tournament in the tri-state area: the Poughskeepsie Regional Semi-Annual Laser Tag Invitational! Their loss is your gain, blog readers!

If you think you have the stuff it takes to be my partner and bro, fill out the form below and return it to broslife@gmail.com.

Application to Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT)

Name: __________________________________________________________________________

Alias: __________________________________________________________________________

Age: ___________________________________________________________________________

Weight and Height: ________________________________________________________________

How many somersaults can you do in a row? _____________________________________________

How many times have you watched “Die Hard”? ___________________________________________

Favorite Quote? __________________________________________________________________

What’s your wing span? ____________________________________________________________

Do you own your own laser tag equipment? If so, what make and model? (Professional grade only, please) ___________________________________________________________________________

What martial art do you specialize in? _________________________________________________

How many years did you spend training on top of a mountain with a bushy-eybrowed old man? ________________________________________________________________________________

Did you eventually become the master? __________________________________________________

What’s your visual acuity? ____________________________________________________________

Has your vision been enhanced by any sort of super-secret government nanotechnology? __________________________________________________________________________________

Do you own a black turtleneck? _______________________________________________________

Does your family have a history of heart disease? (My lawyer says I have to ask this one) _________________________________________________________________________________

Did you grow up in a survivalist community or third world country where every day was a battle to survive? ________________________________________________________________________________

If yes, did you use lasers to survive? ___________________________________________________

What’s your favorite Mel Brooks movie? __________________________________________________

If you answered anything other than “Spaceballs,” you can stop right here, because there’s no way you can be my partner.

Have you served in the military? _______________________________________________________

Was it one of the secret branches that you’re not supposed to talk about? _______________________

Did you use lasers? _____________________________________________________________

Can you incapacitate someone using only your pinky? ______________________________________

Would you have any moral objection to using your skills on a particularly annoying 14-year-old who’s walked away with the trophy three years running? _________________________________________

How many corn dogs can you eat in a row? ______________________________________________

NOTE: If you have boobs, tear up the application and just send a picture of yourself in Princess Leia’s gold bikini costume from “Return of the Jedi.”

I, the undersigned, residing in the county of _____________, state of ___________, do hereby declare my intent to practice, train and participate in all laser tag related activities set forth by Barney Stinson and the Stinson’s Way Awesome Team (SWAT). I accept that submission of the above application represents my consent to participate in a Battle Royale and/or Capture the Flag to determine the most qualified applicant. I recognize the possibility of physical injury associated with said activity. I release, discharge and agree to hold harmless Barney Stinson, SWAT and his affiliated organizations and sponsors from any and all liability, claims or demands arising from my participation in the above programs, specifically to include any and all claims for personal injuries sustained while present or participating in the programs or traveling to or from events in the programs or while on trips sponsored by or in conjunction to the programs.

The undersigned have read and fully understand and agree to the forgoing.

X ______________________________________________________

Applicant Signature