It has come to my attention that many bros are suffering from a very serious medical condition: Pornemia - the inadequate consumption of porn.
The causes can be manifold:
• Can't afford spicier cable channels
• Workday disrupting internal porn clock
• Marriage
Fortunately this erection-crippling disease is treatable.
All around you are literally thousands of low-cost, publicly acceptable porn-portunities... you just have to know where to look.
YOUR LOCAL WEATHER GIRL
The only member of the news team who gets a full body shot. As she sashays across your screen spouting stories of rising temperatures and storm surges, you sit wide-eyed and slack-hawed amid a high-pressure front of your own.
COOKING SHOWS
Watching a foxy lady-chef take those slow, smooth, sensual bites is enough to make any man accidentally slice off his thumb.
BIRTHDAY PARTY "BOUNCE HOUSE"
While technically you're renting the inflatable trampoline for little Dylan and his friends, you're not gonna be the one to stop Jimmy's mom in her too-tight t-shirt from taking a little bounce... or two.
CLASSICAL SCULPTURY
Our ancestors' Hustler. As girls shroud themselves in wintry layers why not pay a visit to a place where the ladies are willing to take it all off? I'm talking - of course - about the museum. Shuffling from standing nude to reclining odalisque is a fantastic way to enjoy your porn whilst being perceived as the cultured specimen you most certainly are not.
THE NIGHT SKY
Sure there's the classics: The Big Dipper, Orion's Belt and Ursa Major. But play a little game of connect the dots and you'll find a surplus of interstellar boobies shining down on you every night. Camping by yourself just got awesome... not to mention easier, pitching-a-tent-wise.
BARNEY STINSON: A LIFE OF AWESOME
November 08, 2010
What if you could travel back in time to witness the birth of awesomeness? This winter, you can, when The National Stinsonian Institution presents its newest and grandest traveling exhibition, "Barney Stinson: A Life of Awesome." Trace the roots of awesome, beginning with Barney's very first soiled diaper and ending with a mini-fridge full of frozen sperm.
Highlights of the collection will include:
Necktie (circa 1984, courtesy Barney Stinson)
Barney's first tie, a deep burgundy Versace pure twill silk featuring the signature Medusa head print in a subtle tone-on-tone pattern, was first worn to his aunt's wedding in the parking lot of Steiny's Pub in Staten Island. A pea-sized YooHoo stain would eventually lead to the tie's removal from rotation.
Napkin (circa 6th grade, courtesy Barney Stinson)
A crumpled, pizza-stained napkin from Chuck E. Cheese's that contains Barney's very first attempt at a pick-up line. While the entirety of the line has been lost to time, still visible are the first two words scribbled in barely legible purple crayon: "Nice jellies…" Barney's first kiss is rumored to have happened four minutes later in the arcade behind Tehkan World Cup so, yeah… it worked.
Film Script (circa 1988, courtesy Loretta Stinson)
This shooting draft of "The Karate Kid" was autographed by director John G. Avildsen and star William Zabka and comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Loretta Stinson, the Postmaster General and sadly once again, William Zabka.
Condom Wrapper (mid to late 1990's, on loan from Rhonda French)
This cyan-colored plastic wrapper was part of Trojan's Magnum XL line of condoms. In various interviews Barney has described it as "a bit snug." Because his penis is enormous.
Phaser Pack (circa 2005, gift of Barney Stinson)
Laser tag vest worn by Barney during the Atlantic Region Sectional Finals when he became the first invisibility match champion over the age of 20.
Exhibition Specifications
Tour Locations: Winter 2010 (Europe), Spring 2011 (Panama City Beach, South Padre Island, Lake Havasu City)
Footprint: 14,000 square feet
Security: Crazy Tight
Contents: 83 framed color and black-and-white photographs, 69 hours of bedroom security camera footage, miscellaneous artifacts to awesomeness
Recommended ticket price: $15, or $5 with donation of shirt (ladies only)
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